"Holy Toledo!"

August 13, 2008

A Twilight Zone Olympic Swimming Incident

Filed under: Olympics — Tags: — Bill @ 7:36 am

I had a Twilight Zone moment watching the Olympic swimming last night. Imagine, if you will, it’s the finals of the Men’s 50m breast stroke, tension is thick in the air.

As the camera pans down the starting blocks the announcer says, “In lane 3 from France Jean Claude Kimmi, in lane 4 from Germany Klaus Von Strudelhausen, in lane 5 from the USA is Michael Phelps.” They are your typical swimmers, long, lean, practically hairless dudes in laser Speedos.

The camera then shows us the athlete in lane 6 (here is where your imagination must kick in). The announcer informs us, “In lane 6 from Canada is Chris Farley.” Suddenly a sight invades your TV screen that will remain with you for the rest of your life.

A 58 yr. old semi-balding Farley prepares himself for his big race, what little hair he has on his head is long dark curly tufts that seem to jut out from above his big ears (kind of like Krusty the Clown or Larry from the Three Stooges). As he continues to warm up he windmills his pale flabby arms around and wiggles his big white legs. You can’t help but notice his entire body is covered in a sea of dark curly hair, no skin is visible on his chest or back. His leopard print laser Speedo barely contains his lumpy 300 lb. body, his gut hangs over the front ever so slightly, and his man boobs giggle with anticipation.

The swimmers take their marks, get set, the starter’s gun goes off, and in unison they all leap towards the water. All of a sudden there is a huge tidal wave of water that seems to explode from the pool. Spectators are drenched, the swimmers stop in horror. As the water drains off the camera lens TV viewers finally get to see what is down at the finish line. A jubilant but drenched Chris Farley beams as he stands in about two feet of water. He points his chubby little index finger up to the sky and yells, “I’m number one!”

(This Olympic moment was brought to you by Rogaine)


  1. Twilight Zone? Are you sure it was not a Nightmare on Bill’s Street? Gonna take a while to get that image out of my head.

    Comment by Cindi — August 13, 2008 @ 9:02 am


    Comment by uncle buck — August 18, 2008 @ 11:51 am

  3. Apparently not enough!

    Comment by Bill — August 18, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

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